Christian Jessen … Undercover Doctor. Let me ask you this. Do you own a pair of light tan shoes? Colourful, well-pressed check shirts? Do you possess any classical CDs? Do you – there's no easy way to say this – enjoy listening to Adele? Then, my friend, you are a gay man and, as part of your $3,000 per month de-gaying, these indicators of your deviant lifestyle will be taken from you and – quite possibly – burned on a ceremonial pyre. In Undercover Doctor: Cure Me, I'm Gay (Channel 4), Christian Jessen met John Smid, former director of the Tennessee ex-gay ministry Love in Action. Smid rummaged through Jessen's luggage looking for signs of gayness using the world's most hilarious measuring device, the Bible belt gaydar. Perhaps in Europe straight men could get away with those shoes, but not, Smid submitted, Stateside. He held up a CD. "Classical music," he noted, "isn't Christian. This scene purported to show one of the gay cures that Jessen was undertaking, which was a bit of a cheat: Smid is no longer an ex-gay therapist but a former ex-gay therapist – or, if you prefer, an ex former gay therapist. In fact, Smid is even more confusing: he is a newly gay failed former ex-gay therapist. His gay rehab turned no one straight and he outed himself after leaving the ministry, thereby adding to the world's gay population rather than subtracting from it. In an otherwise upsetting hour for non-homophobes, this was good news. How gay is Dr Christian Jessen? He took the Cornell University sexual orientation test to find out. He was shown pornographic images of women and then of men, while researchers monitored pupil dilation and penis activity. "The pupils don't lie," said one researcher. Nor does the penis – or, if it does, sex research could be trickier than previously believed. In between shots of naked women and men, Jessen was shown pictures of clouds to recalibrate his genitals. How gay was he? So gay that he found clouds more arousing than women. But could he be cured? Only if the several American quack therapists, unqualified doctors and questionable clergymen, whom Jessen consulted, were right and being gay is causally related to a childhood trauma – abuse by an older man, or, oooh, I don't know, seeing Rufus Wainwright in lederhosen at an impressionable age – that deviates you from your God-given heterosexual birthright. More shocking than the Bible belt bigotry Jessen exposed was to learn that, until 1980, the NHS offered shock therapy to gay men. Jessen underwent that treatment, which consisted of taking a drug to make one violently ill while looking at gay porn – in order to associate homosexual arousal with feelings of extreme nausea. "Your behaviour is revolting," said the voice on the PA as Jessen threw up. "Gay sex is unnatural." The treatment changed no one's sexuality but, surmised Jessen, undermined participants' confidence and made them more miserable. Worse, Jessen visited a ministry in east London where exorcisms are performed to deliver gay men from evil. Incidentally, is it me or is Dr Jessen looking more hunky? Perhaps, I reflected, as he took off his top at one point, for reasons tangential to his investigation, and my pupils dilated accordingly, there is a cure for heterosexuality. Jessen unsurprisingly emerged from this investigation as gay as he went in. It was hardly a balanced programme, but then when did stupid deserve a fair hearing? Shame the show didn't consider lesbians – but, you'd suspect, they can't be cured either. In 1957, 36% of our earnings went on food. In 2008, that figure had fallen to 10%. But, as Jimmy Doherty reported in the excellent Food Prices: The Shocking Truth (Channel 4), the trend is reversing; we're spending more on basic foodstuffs even as we have less real income. Rice is getting more expensive as India embraces food sovereignty, wheat production has been clobbered by extreme weather conditions and beef is more costly to produce because of all the fuel involved in its production. And, unacceptably, chocolate bars are shrinking as cocoa prices soar – post-2008, a Mars bar is 58 grammes rather than 62.5. All this was fascinating, but I had one thought as Doherty toured the world in a series of scruffy, ill-pressed outfits, paying scant attention to personal grooming. He couldn't be less gay. Sign up for the Guardian TodayOur editors' picks for the day's top news and commentary delivered to your inbox each morning. Share Short link for this page: http://gu.com/p/3njkg StumbleUpon reddit Tumblr Digg LinkedIn del.icio. Contact us Report errors or inaccuracies: reader@theguardian.com Letters for publication should be sent to: letters@theguardian.com If you need help using the site: userhelp@theguardian. About this article Undercover Doctor: Cure Me, I'm Gay; Food Prices: The Shocking Truth – TV reviewThis article appeared on p21 of the G2 section of the Guardian on Wednesday 19 March 2014. It was published on the Guardian website at 07.00 GMT on Wednesday 19 March 2014. It was last modified at 09.00 GMT on Wednesday 19 March 2014. Click here to join the discussion. We can't load the discussion on theguardian.com because you don't have JavaScript enabled. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Last 24 hours 1. Educating Joey Essex: what the Towie star has learned so far 2. Sally Hawkins to star in Charlie Kaufman TV series How and Why 3. Line of Duty … so, who did it? 4. Undercover Doctor: Cure Me, I'm Gay; Food Prices: The Shocking Truth – TV review 5. © 2014 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. 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